It's estimated that one in five families experience the pain of miscarriage, but the trauma is often spoken about in whispers. Do you want to share the pain of your experience, or suggest ways to cope? Share your thoughts after the space below.
How did you cope with miscarriage?
Wed Sep 2, 2009 4:16 PM EDT
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I'm still coping with it. I got the news my baby no longer had a heartbeat 5 weeks ago. The instant I got the news my heart dropped out of my chest..... just waiting for time to return it to me. Everyone tells me that time will heal everything, its just that time seems to be standing still for me.
The first step in my healing process, was when I was in the ER 5 months pregnant with horrible labor pains and in shock due to the pain. My blood pressure was 80/50. I don't remember alot after that because I was given morphine. When I was stable, an ER nurse who recently miscarried came to tell my husband and myself the news. She cried with me. She knew how I felt. That helped a lot!
I am sorry for your loss, Laura. If you are thinking of trying again, just concentrate on rebuilding your mind, body and soul. Do things that delight you. If you don't have any children yet, take a trip, honestly, it will be hard after kids. It maybe hard, but you, yourself can be a great person to concentrate on right now.
Dear Laura,
Whoever told you that time heals everything was wrong. It's more like, Time will help... eventually.
It gets better, but you never forget, ever. But, you will learn to cope. Sometimes you will find yourself talking about it, and perhaps it's been years ago, and here come the tears. Rightfully, I should say. Ignorant well doers may tell you that it was a good thing. "Probably would have been disabled", "Oh it's better then if you had it and raised it for a few years, and then lost it". I think I heard it all.
Well, it's never a good thing, so there...that's the truth. And the truth is, you will go on. Maybe adopt, like I did, maybe have loads of kids, maybe none. Mourn and grieve, and then move on. Believe God has your baby, and you will see your baby in heaven. That helps.
A lot of people experience miscarriages, and then go on to have healthy, complication free pregnancies. I pray that for you.
Bless you, and know that you are not alone, and yes...you are a mother.
Always,
Debbie - 5 miscarriages
Yes Laura,
Debbie is right , time does not heal. as I sit hear in tears reading your story and my first miscarriage was 17 years ago the second a few months later, it brings it all back each time I hear of someone going through the same heartache. You don't forget but, the hurt dims as time passes I did go on and have 2 more children after those loses. Let yourself feel the loss it is real. God is the only one who can bring true healing.
Thinking of you and praying for you.
Kathy
It was my first pregnancy...it seemed like everyone I knew were having babies. I was absolutely crushed and I don't think I ever really got over it! 3 healthy kids later, I still think about my due date that never came to be.
You never get over the loss of a loved one. You get through it, but never over it.
It was my fist pregnancy. I seem like I was finally getting to have my first baby. We were so excited about it. It was going to be the first Great grandchild and also the first Great Great grandchild. Every one I had talk to had know some one who had miscarried and I thought well I am not. Well all most 10 week into my pregnancy I lost my first baby. It has only been 10 week that i have lost my baby. I had a DNC done. When I talk about it I still cry. I feel like my world has stop moving. It felt like my heart had stop beating it hurt that bad.
My last miscarriage was 12 years ago... and yet reading this story brings back the pain & tears. I, too, was 3-4 months in when I got the news that there was no longer a heartbeat. And then that horrible process of going in and having it all "removed." I din't think I left the house for three weeks. No one seemed to understand the situation for what it was - I had lost a child. One as precious as the two I have now. It was crushing. I think about my babies out there.... all the time. How could I not.
Im the same way, my younger sister was pregnant almost at the same time and when I see her baby boy I think of how my baby would look and be.
As with Jodi, I experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I was 16 weeks along, feeling good, no morning sickness (which, according to some of my friends, should have been a sign that there was something wrong). I went to work the day after Memorial Day and started spotting. By the time I got home, I was bleeding. By midnight, I didn't feel "pregnant" anymore - and it was the worst feeling I've ever had. Went to the doctor the next morning: An ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped developing at around 10 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C that afternoon. The doctor convinced me to stay home for the rest of the week and when I went back to work the following Monday, no one knew what to say to me. It was like I had "cooties" or something contagious - some people went out of their way to avoid me for a solid week.
Later that year, I got pregnant again. There were complications and I almost miscarried a second time, but with 6 months of bedrest, the doctors' skill, and a huge dose of Divine intervention, I delivered a healthy baby boy. He just turned 17 years old and is a junior in high school!
(Every May, though, I still remember my first baby)
I've lost 3. My first was a single baby, lost at 3 months. It was my first pregnancy. It was a very sad time.
My second was twins.....but I didn't find that out until I was in the ER, bleeding heavily. They did a scan, and only then did I find out that, at 3 months, I was losing two babies, not just one. Twice the heartbreak. It was utterly devastating.
My husband and I couldn't afford fertility treatments, and decided that we would just let Mother Nature decide when/if we would ever have children. It didn't happen for a very long time. But eleven years after we got married, we were finally blessed with our son, who just turned 8. We love him so much.
I turned 42 this year, and suddenly, a couple of weeks ago, I was shocked to discover that I am pregnant. I thought our son would be our only blessing. At my age, I just never thought it would happen again. We weren't even trying.
I am praying that my age and previous history of miscarriage won't count against us. I can't even describe how emotional this is for us. We want this baby with all our hearts.
I am 54 now, but starting at age 39 until age 42 I had 6 miscarriages. Each one was heartbreaking and no doctor could tell me why this was happening. Finally at age 42 (3 months from becoming age 43!) I became pregnant for the 7th time. My son turned 11 in May and although I consider myself a non religious person, I do think of him as my miracle.
I did find out 4 years ago that I had celiac disease, which can affect fertility and miscarriage rates. It causes you to not absorb essential nutrients and can be treated by a gluten free diet. I don't know definitely if that was the cause of my losses, but it certainly could have been. If only some doctor had mentioned the possibility of that to me after my first miscarriage.
My husband and I had been married and trying on-and-off for kids for more than 12 years when we found out I was pregnant. We felt like it was a miracle. When I was 9 weeks along, our miracle ended. We tried again, and failed again, month after month. What would've been my due date came and went. The one-year mark of when I found out, and then the one-year mark of the miscarriage, came and went. Life does go on. Other tasks fill my time. Most of the time, other thoughts fill my mind. I think I'm leading a good, productive life. But I don't know if the aching hole in my life where I wanted there to be a child will ever mend.
I'm so sorry.
Your thoughts are mine, almost verbatim. After years of trying and infertility treatments, we'd decided to focus on the other blessings of our life together. In the midst of a stressful, longterm work project, we discovered I was pregnant, and there was such pure joy. Then one day I felt strong pain and had the horrible realization that something had gone wrong, which my doctor confirmed later that day. I'll never forget the walk OUT of the doctor's office: I kept wanting to hit "rewind" on the day to the moments prior to knowing, just to embrace and love that pregnant feeling longer. The absolute worst day was the day before the due date. Every day from the moment I knew I'd started to miscarry until that point had involved dread and "compartmentalizing" the sadness. After that release, though, I re-focused on the joy of my life, the joy of those 6 weeks I'd been pregnant, and the thought that I could help someone with her own loss with empathy. I'll never forget any aspect of it and hope I'm the better for it. I'm sorry each of you have gone through this, too...
I am sitting here reading through everyone's story and your story struck me the most. I had done exactly what you did prior to the baby's due date. I lost a set of twins to twin-to-twin transfusion back in april, which was devastating to say the least and yesterday was their due date. I put so much emphasis, heartache and negative energy into this day that it drove me crazy. I thought I would feel a little better or different today and now that it's over--I still feel very sad. I guess I'm a step ahead from where I was just by being on this website and sharing my story. I do look forward to fining a positive outlet and starting a family I so desire, it's just hard when you are filled with so much pain. I pray a lot and thank god for my husband, that's for sure....he is my rock and couldn't make it through without him. I hope to be blessed again soon.
Best wishes, LazyCatColorado! I'm keeping you in my prayers!
I barely knew I was pregnant... Sadly it was a blessing. I was unmarried and truly alone, yet the guilt of that feeling may be worse. That was four years ago. I will be forever changed. I will never forget the rawness of it nor will I ever lose my compassion. It was one of the hardest things to get through. Nothing prepares you for it at all.
The feelings are normal, not easy but normal. I had my first miscarriage after I was married for only 3 months and working full time and going to college full time. I miscarried at 9 weeks. At one point after coming home, I thought "it was probably for the best" and I still feel some guilt for thinking it 25 years later. 10 years later I had two other miscarriages (one at 8 weeks and one at 10 weeks). My now-ex-husband said to me right after both of them "it wasn't like we lost a real baby" and told me to just forget it. We got divorced after I found out he was "seeing" his receptionist while I was on bed rest trying not to miscarry our son (a now healthy and happy 7 year old). I still think of my lost babies and miss them. It still hurts...I don't let it stop my joy for life with my son but it still does hurt even after 25 years.
Oh dear, I didn't realize I was logged in under my boyfriend's name. Sorry about that.
Hugs to us all, Beverly B.
I lost my second child at 10 weeks. It was an unplanned pregnancy as my husband at the time had already decided to leave me. This was a try one last time to see if the marriage would work situation. Unfortunately, it did not. I was not too unhappy with my situation, and I thought a baby would be too much with my husband leaving. Just as I was beginning to really accept the pregnancy and was looking forward to being a mom again, I lost it. My doctor was quick to tell me that at 10 weeks it was likely a problem with the pregnancy, nothing I did. It doesn't really help, and I still feel guilty about not really wanting my child for most of the pregnancy. It has been hard to be around friends and family with newborns, but I know that one day I'll be healed enough.
And to LazyCatColorado, you are also in my prayers! Best of wishes for a healthy child!
I went in for my 12 week ultrasound on my first pregnancy and they told me the baby had no heartbeat. I had no idea I could become so attached to a child I had never seen. I had a natural miscarriage 4 days later. I thought the world had stopped. I didn't know my heart would ache so much for that baby. It wasn't until I spoke with many women that had experienced miscarriages that I started to feel better about it. You never forget that little one that you never got to hold, but time and prayer helped me get through it.
I was also blessed that 4 months later I got pregnant again. I am now 22 weeks along and everything so far has been picture perfect. This is a miracle since I am 41 years old and considered high risk.
I've experienced 3 miscarriages over the past year. Originally, my husband and I were diagnosed with Infertility due to weak ovulation and low progesterone after trying for just over a year. As soon as we started treatments, we got pregnant. We were overjoyed to say the least! And then around 7 weeks, the bleeding began. My heart broke at the ultrasound that revealed an empty sac. Why us? Why after taking so long to get pregnant? My body healed after a few months (but my heart still has not) and we got pregnant again with treatment. This time everything felt good - I was tired, sick, I thought this one was for real. Then at 6 weeks, I started bleeding, it was over. We then decided to seek more medical help and info. I was diagnosed with two blood clotting disorders and a large polyp was found in my uterus which left little to no room for anything to grow. After some time and treatment, we were ready to try again. After sveral months of treatment, we got pregnant again. My dr. was closely monitoring me but after a few ultrasounds and blood draws we were diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. The recovery was both physically and emotionally painful. The hardest part was waiting to try again - I just wanted a baby! My Drs. did not feel it was related to any of the other losses but we continued checking for every possibility. That was in March. I am still trying to get pregnant again, although I'm scared to death! I know that time heals all wounds, but the due dates, the milestones that come and go grab at your heart and seem as painful as the day you found out.
Thank you for doing this story!
"I know that time heals all wounds, but the due dates, the milestones that come and go grab at your heart and seem as painful as the day you found out." Jennifer---that is so true. I felt that yesterday, when my babies due date came and went. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest all over again. Like you...I also just want to be pregnant, to help take some of the pain away.
I had a miscarriage 16 years ago. At the time I was in my mid-twenties and engaged to the father of the baby. I miscarried at about 6-7 weeks. I was devastated. The relationship did not survive the aftermath of the miscarriage. The doctor was helpful and assured me that there was no reason to think that I would not get pregnant again.
Sadly, this was not to be because 3 years after the miscarriage I was diagnosed with Cancer and had a complete hysterectomy.
Today, I am the stepmother of two young men whom I love as if they were my own. They are both fully grown but still turn to me when a bit of "mothering" is needed. As much as I love them, they will never fill the place in my heart that belonged to the child who would now be 16.
I have come to realize that as hard as it was - time does heal wounds. You move on, one day at a time. It is ok to remember the due date - I still do so by spending some quiet time alone. My advice to others in this situation. Give yourself permission to grieve - it is ok. As dark as the days may seem, there is a brighter day waiting.
I will keep all of you in my prayers.
To a mother a miscarriage is a scary word! is a child that died even before seen the sun light. The heart of a mother hurts with so much pain and yet the world goes on...
My son was 11, he felt his little sister kick, He was so excited to be a big brother at last. At 20 weeks we lost Dani. After we delivered her, I held her tiny body. She would have started kindergarten on Monday 8.31.09. It hurts, Its hard to muster through all the important dates, as the calendar unfolds. BUT it is comforting to know that God has His reasons for everything. We may not understand why, but we have to have faith that He knows what he is doing. I have an awesome son and I thank God for him. God's speed in the healing of your hearts to all who have loved and lost.
Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your son's loss at being a big brother just breaks my heart. I truly hope your family can find peace. Your son has a special guardian angel (his little sister) who will walk through life with him. She'll protect him and look out for him all the days of his life.
In the late 1980's I had 6 miscarriages and I thought I would never have a baby. Then my ob-gyn referred me to a doctor who she had heard speak at a conference and she thought he might be able to help me as she had no idea why I was having so many miscarriages. The doctor's name was Joseph A. Hill, III, M.D and at the time he was working at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston. He did a lot of tested and thought that I probably had embryotoxic factors which were causing my body to reject the fetus. I was put on a course of progesterone suppositories when my pregnancy test was positive. I did not suffer another miscarriage and went on to have three full term pregnancies and I now have 3 teenage daughters. I believe Dr Hill now works for the Fertility Center of New England and I recommend consulting with him if you have been having miscarriages. He certainly worked miracles for us.
Kudos to you for giving this issue some much needed attention! So many times I heard "it wasn't meant to be" or "it wasn't a real baby anyway; get over it" or some other such damaging nonsense. Miscarriage is something one can NEVER get over and more people need to realize that and be more sensative to those that have experienced it.
The most comforting, the most meaningful things anyone did for me after my miscarriages (aside from the love and hugs from my husband), were given by a friend who had also had miscarriages. She just held me, let me cry, and never said a word. No platitudes....no inane comments....she just hugged me with silent understanding. It meant so much.
I know people mean well. I know, I truly KNOW, they are just trying to comfort and give love when they say those things. I know they are. But it still hurts.
Sometimes a loving silence from someone who is still there for you, helps more.
I've had 3 miscarriages and one ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I'ts very true, you don't get over it. I know how old each of my babies would be now, and their names. I have children, I am a grandmother, but i still feel the loss of those whose lives were over before they were born. However, if a woman can't get through the process, she should get help and counseling. She must not let the grief control her, but she has to go through the process of grieving it's really important. She has lost someone she loves like any other death. One of my miscarriages occured after my fourth child. A so-called friend congratulated me on my escape, because i already had so many. Another woman told me that i would go through grieving just as though i lost a child. I DID lose a child and people tend to overlook that. Don't listen to people who want to know why you don't just get over it. Go through your grieving process. If it should happen more than once the advice to find a doctor who will go farther and try to find why it's happening, that's important too, understanding could also be a key to healing, and maybe not have it happen again.
Jenn, I disagree... you certainly can "get over it", but you'll never forget it. Getting over it means, at least to me, you're past the guilt, what ifs stages and have realized it was nothing you did that caused it.
As for people being more sensitive to it, I agree on that, but first, that'll most likely never happen with a man, or a woman who's never been pregnant before, successfully or not. People just don't know what to say or do and then they end up either shutting you out or saying something stupid. I doubt it's ever done on purpose, but the comment, "it's not a real baby anyway, just get over it"... yeah, that ticks me off.
My husband and I went in for the ultrasound at my five month check up, it was then we discovered that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. That was 10 years ago. I remember just being numb and the next day my doctor had scheduled me for a "normal" delivery. I remember it happened at night, I remember the petosin and requesting it because at that moment I just wanted it over with. The hospital had a staff that dealt with these issues, but most of all I remember them putting me in a room far away from other women who were coming in for their deliveries. The nurse or therapist told me not to compartmentalize this. You know what, that is the easiest thing to do. Time moves on and the pain becomes less. I have pictures and little hats for my first little boy. I can happily say that a year later I delivered again, but this time I had a premature infant son born at 28 weeks 1 lb 12.5 oz and 13 in. long. He was a fighter and after 3 months in the hospital he came home. He came home with the name that I did not give to my first little boy- Evan. A little poignant since Evan in Gaelic means "fighter".
Karen, My heart goes out to you. I too have had miscarriages. I lost my first at 2 months and the second I was 24 weeks. He also was a fighter he had a heartbeat all the way until the end. We named him Evan also. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Since then I have had a beautiful girl who is now 7 years old and I recently had a little boy who is 5 months now. Both pregencies were not easy and they thought I was going to miscarry both times, but I was lucky and have two wonderful children now.
Over 30 years ago, and after 6 years of fertility specialists, I became pregnant and gave birth to a healthy son. Finally we had it figured out! I then proceeded to have 6 miscarriages with the end result of a hysterectomy. I don't think about it every day, but I still grieve for those children I will never hold. I even occasionally dream about giving birth to them, even though at 58 I can't imagine what I would do. If the children had been born, then died, you would mourn and you would never forget them. You have to let yourself grieve for the children that were not delivered. For the dreams you had for them and yourself, the family that will be a little different than planned. Plant a tree or a rosebush and thank the Lord for the priviledge of having that child if only for a tiny space of time.
I had two miscarriages within 6 months of each other. I lost the first one around 8 weeks last year and surprisingly handled it well--you often read that a woman will have at least one miscarriage in her lifetime. I accepted that this was probably my "one" time with experiencing a loss and I was optimistic that the "next" time I would carry to term and have a healthy baby. The "next" time resulted in a blighted ovum--an empty sac at 10 weeks. I was devastated this time around because I started to think something was wrong with me. I started to read anything I can find about miscarriages and why they may occur. Yes, it could be bad luck for some but for others there could be health-related issues. My doctor was optimistic that I could have another baby since I have a wonderful 2 year old. I still get sad about my two losses especially when I see pregnant bellies and families with two or more kids. Yes, I get jealous and angry. Having a good support system (for me it was connecting with people who know the raw anger, sadness, and guilt with having a miscarriage) and finding one's inner strength to move forward has helped me cope. It's still an on-going process for me.