There really was only one good choice and she picked it, even with the sad ending. The memory may become fuzzy but he will always remember dad and mom loved him. It was very mature for his mom to not allow grownup relationship problems to slip into the choice she had to make. Too often people use children as a tool and this mom just did the right thing.

The SOB who walked out on his responsibilities gave this mother no choice but to allow him into this child's life. She would always be the 'bad guy' if she kept her son's father away from him and she knew that at some point her son would ask why he wasn't given the chance to know his father.

Jesus said 'Forgive', he didn't say 'Forget'. Too often when people forgive they also forget what a snake the person they are forgiving is and they end up opening themselves up to being hurt again and again. Not forgiving only hurts the injured party when you obsess about the transgressor - but if you cut them out of your emotional life, then the not forgiving is really not a burden. Since when does everyone who does something horrible deserve forgiveness?

the story said the father came to visit often UNTILL mom moved back to NY. he walked out on the marrige NOT the kid.

dont demonize him just because he got a divorce.

Get some therapy, Golfermom, seriously.

Divorce is between husband and wife...not the son. The son should not be penalized because of divorce. There was emotional and geographal distance. Mom and her Mom made that decsion for the love of this small child. I deeply respect and admire both Mom and grandmom for their decision. Its was the right decision!!! Sue

When people die prematurely, or in accidents or with any illness, their loved ones need to be assured that the person is now looked after by God. This is the message that the mom needs to convey to the child.

I feel that mom has done the right thing, but she needs to be even more stronger now. The reality is the child will never see his dad again, but the child must live a happy life now. Thats the most important thing for this child and his mom.

I believe she did the Hardest thing in her life but it was Love that made her do it.

What a touching story. Yes, this single mother made the right decision. Not only for Judah, and Judah's father, but also for herself. She gave herself for someone else....and for that she will never regret. Judah will remember in his own way when he's grown, and will never say to his mother "if only". That's worth it all.

I think people don't give kids enough credit--children are extremely resilient--and if you tell them the truth, they'll understand, grow from it, and move forward.

I'm glad this mother allowed her son the chance to get to know his father, and to experience his passing. He will always be grateful to his mother for that.

Good story!

Judah is already adept at helping people cope with loss!

His mother did the right thing and all benefited from it.

That's what happens when people value other's feelings as much, if not more than their own.

Unfortunately, that's seems to be a rarity these days...........even in family.

Don't stop punishing the father for leaving you. You moved away so that he could not see his kid. No reason to feel guilty. Just tell the kid what a jerk his father was and let the kid sort things out later on. If you tell him the truth your son will eventually conclude that he was better off without a father anyway.

Or, you could start a trust fund now to pay for the therapy when he's 30 and wonders why he hates his mother and can't have a normal realationship with a woman.

Forgive but don't forget. Forgive the sinner not the sin.

"""Michael Bishop-1520606

Don't stop punishing the father for leaving you. You moved away so that he could not see his kid. No reason to feel guilty. Just tell the kid what a jerk his father was and let the kid sort things out later on. If you tell him the truth your son will eventually conclude that he was better off without a father anyway."""

MB, wow what a short sighted closed minded outlook upon the father. The article says they were married 10 years, the marriage was probably over long before he decided to divorce.

Staying married to someone your not in love with is not a good thing for any involved.

It takes two to be in love, not one.

The story doesn't elaborate, ............. yet what if the wife sensed something wasn't right in her marriage, and just happened to not take her birth control pills on purpose.

It wouldn't be the first time, and it happens everyday that women purposely get pregnant trying to keep a dead marriage going.

The article doesn't state that the father didn't pay child support or pay for insurance for the child, so whu are people condeming the man for following his gut feeling, that he no longer loved this woman and couldn't remain married to her.

The mother did the correct thing by allowing the connection to flourish between father and son.

There are to many people in this world that attempt to shield life events from children, or distort reality by making sure that anyone in a schoolroom gets an award, so no "Feels Left Out".

Get real people, life is what it is, it's full of many different trials and tribulations.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/25268074/ns/today-parenting_and_family/

There is more to the story........

<Victoria and Douglas had met while both were graduate students in Texas. He was 10 years older than she, but they got married after a three-year courtship and both became college professors.

After 10 years of marriage, it was Douglas who suggested they attempt to have a child. When Victoria had difficulties becoming pregnant, he led the way to a fertility clinic, and Victoria became pregnant.

But once she was pregnant, Douglas changed.

“Douglas went through what I can only describe as an almost overnight total change in personality,” Rosner said. When she was seven months pregnant, he served her with divorce papers. It was devastating to her.

“I was so scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen next,” she said.

In Texas, it is illegal to divorce a pregnant woman, so the marriage wasn’t dissolved until after Judah was born. Douglas was present for the birth and saw his son a couple of more times, but he did not object when Victoria moved to New York and took a job as a professor of literature at Columbia University.>

There are two sides to every story. Based on what is presented it sounds like the mom did the right thing. At least it was right for her, her son, and his father. Unfortunately we will never know the father's side of the story.

I agree, and appreciate your story. I too became estranged from my father for five years after a difficult betrayal (he chose his second wife over me), and I never got the opportunity to reconcile before he died. Although I was able to find a place of relative forgiveness when it came to his wife, I did not realize the empact his betrayal had on me until years later, after I had betrayed my own husband.

I sometimes don't think we realize the effect suppressed anger can have on our lives, and how forgiveness can truly free our hearts, and allow us to love openly again.

I am glad I read this beautiful article, and I hope other's are able to find forgiveness in their lives, while the person they need to forgive is still alive to know it.

""I did not realize the empact his betrayal had on me until years later, after I had betrayed my own husband.""

bsbfankaren, ............ the statement you made sounds/appears, to me anyway that you are blaming "Your Choice" to betray your husband on a man that had been dead for some time.

If that's the case, ............ your in deep denial of who's at fault for the betrayal of your husband.

Lame excuse, for your adult actions. That boat doesn't float, and that dog doesn't hunt !

I also agree. Very moving story. She definately wins the mother of the year award.

Nop, the mother did wrong, but was not her fault, it was her mother (judah's gradma) who didn't use her thoughts correctly. As a mother, our job is to protect our kids and minimize all this hard times that is hard for a kid to understand. For those dummies below who said: dead if part of your life, you can avoid teaching this..........hello, we are talking about a kid who was doing wonderful without a father.

For those other dummies who also said: Do you know what it is live without a father?????well here my answer, My mother grew up without one, and she was happy, she said she never need him, nor missing. My actual husband grew up without a father (since he left his mom when he was 1 year old), well my husband doesn't missing nor care where or what about him, he love his mom, and that is all he cares and he is normal and happy too....SO NO BIG DEAL GROWING WITHOUT A FATHER, SPECIALLY IF YOU NEVER SAW HIM.

Judah will learn about dead, but was not need it to learn it with his father. I wish I was Judah's moms friends back in that time, I will have convinced her not to aloud this sweet kid see his father......any ways, the father choose to leave the kid when he was on mommys belly, well sorry!!! is not the mother or Judah's fault, why should they suffer now. ALSO POOR MOTHER!! she raise him by herself and now she has a sad kid that she has to work with too..

NOW YOU TELL ME ALL,, WHAT IS WORST FOR JUDAH!!!

1* Never meet his father and when he is old enough and ask, mommy can tell him, he died long time ago of cancer

2* Or, bring a little Angel=Judah to a guy he didn't know, then tell him is his father, let him bond, then tell him he died.

Yeah sure, choice 2 is the best one. ANd a mother should choose to hurt a kid feelings because he should learn about dead, and also should meet his father!!!!!!

I can feel the mothers frustation, and I don't blame her!!!!

Gab,

Show some compasion, will ya?

The boy's father picked an extremely crappy time to leave, but he is trying to make things right before he dies. Most fathers would just die, and not try to mend their ways.

NOW YOU TELL ME ALL,, WHAT IS WORST FOR JUDAH!!!

1* Never meet his father and when he is old enough and ask, mommy can tell him, he died long time ago of cancer

2* Or, bring a little Angel=Judah to a guy he didn't know, then tell him is his father, let him bond, then tell him he died.

gab918: I understand where youre coming from but please realize that when mom made that decision that the son should start seeing his dad, she was probably not aware of this outcome or the severity of his cancer. According to the article, this is what she was thinking:

Maybe now Judah and his father could have a relationship and I could have a partner in parenthood. And if his treatment was successful, father and son could have a future together. Whereas if I said no, the door might close for good.

There is no life without hope!

gab918...we are not infallible. We are all allowed to make mistakes. True, the mans time to ask for a divorce was not the best. Your level of insensitivity is the epitome of what is wrong with todays society. I would have done what the lady in the article did. Besides, later in life, Judah could have held it against his mom that she didn't allow them to know each other. Death, not dead, is a part of life, and I learned that at a very young age and I turned out just fine.

Do you know what it is live without a father?????well here my answer, My mother grew up without one, and she was happy, she said she never need him, nor missing. My actual husband grew up without a father (since he left his mom when he was 1 year old), well my husband doesn't missing nor care where or what about him, he love his mom, and that is all he cares and he is normal and happy too....

So what's your problem?

Face facts folks, Gab has unresolved anger issues with her dead grandfather, and she'd rather see more people miserable and as angry as she is. We all know people like that. Also, in regards to Gab's ideas about growing up without a father...psychologists have shown that growing up without a father is detrimental to a child's well-being.

This story is very much like my own, except I had 3 children who were a bit older when their father died. We had been apart 5 years and he had not done one thing in those years for his kids. I was bitter at times because he never paid a dime of support, but in the end when he was dying, I forgave him and tried to allow him to see his children. Not so much for him as it was for my children to have some closure. Maybe he didn't deserve it, but the children do! Forgiveness is not for the person who did the wrong as much as it is for the person who was wronged. If I had not forgiven him, I would be a very hateful, bitter person, and I think there are enough of those kinds of people in this world.

Have you grown up without a father?? Do you know what it's like?? This child would have had to deal with the fact that his father was never, and couldn't even have said goodbye when he was dying. What this woman did was exceptional, and loving, and the right thing. A decision I wish my own mother could've made for me. She put her sons thoughts, feelings and needs before her own reasons of resentment and made the best decision she could have for him. some may not agree with it, but having grown up without my own father in my life, it's really hard. Atleast this child got to say goodbye. Some of us won't get that because our mother's were to selfish and strung up with thier own feelins about what went down to care about what we wanted.

I agree. What this woman did was make a choice to love her son, above her dislike for her son's father, and I applaud her for it.

My own daughter is 15 and has never known her father. If he were to want to enter her live now, I would have to leave the choice up to her. Yes it has been difficult raising her alone, but knowing that she has dealt with abandonment issues even though I have never said one thing against her father, let's me know that my daughter would deserve the right to make such a decision on her own. With loving guidance from me to be aware that he could hurt her again.

My son's father and I divorced. While my son was small, his dad would take him for hours at a time, but always brought him back. Finally, he couldn't do it and gave him up. I've struggled to make ends meet; I've gotten angry over the fact there's never been a dime of support; I've thrown things over the fact that there is no one to help me buy those new jeans he desperately needs; I've cried over the loss of the relationship my ex has lost with his son. But, I have a wonderful teenager, who is just a great kid. He plays in the band, is a Boy Scout, has friends, and makes A's and B's. He's polite and I love him with all my heart. He's a wonderful kid! His dad doesn't know any of this and never sees him.

His Dad is dying. He has cancer. I don't know how long he has. He want's a relationship with his son. They talk on the phone, but I don't have enough money to send him to visit his dad (in another state) and his unemployed father doesn't have enough to pay either. Does he deserve to know his son? Sure....he deserves to know what he's missed!! This is his loss! My son has done without his Dad long enough that he doesn't mind anymore. I fill all his voids and so does his step-dad (and yes, he knows it's his step-father). My son has a wonderful family that loves him. His father is the one who loses!

This story hit a spot with me....it hits close to home! I'm glad his dad could see him for awhile.

All that happened is a child was exposed to loss because both his parents are selfish and incompetent.

The fathers request to see his son was driven by guilt. And staying true to form he added one more mistake to the pile of other ones he made in his life.

The mother shows reason why one would not want to be married to her. She can be manipulated into exposing her son to harm and anguish.

I queried friends, relations, professionals: What would you do? The responses were mixed. A friend said: “How could you let him back after what he did? He doesn’t deserve to know his son.” My mother said, “How can you refuse what might turn out to be a last wish?” And my therapist just said, “You’ll know the right thing to do.”

This paragraph is a "just beat all"

Friend; It's not about what happened. It's about whats going to happen.

Mother, I see why the daughter is so messed up in her priorities. It's not about the wishes of the ex husband. It's about the long term, far lasting, effects the decision will have on the boy. If the boy had never met his father and never been told of the fathers request the effect of the request would be zero.

Therapist, If this women knew the right think to do she wouldn't be paying money to talk to you. Perhaps your in the wrong profession.

I do not agree with this viewpoint. Things are just not all black and white. There are shades of gray.................................But I must say I smiled when I read:

Therapist, If this women knew the right think to do she wouldn't be paying money to talk to you. Perhaps your in the wrong profession.

Original Mac, I don't see how you can call the Mom manipulative. Of course loss is painful, but really, you have to think long-term. There's not a kid out there who wouldn't be pissed at Mom if she had denied the kid the chance - any chance - to know their father. You're right, it's about what's going to happen. The dad will die and the chance will be gone, and other people will be calling the mom "manipulative" for denying her son that chance. That's why IMO the mom did the right thing.

This comment is despicable, if she didnt share her story,how would others whose lives has been enriched by this handle a similar situation.

romancegirl

And who would you be punishing the father or the little boy?

What this extraordinary woman did brought tears to my eyes.....her son now has the comfort of knowing his Daddy for the short time they had together. I lost my dad to cancer when I was six years old. Although my memories of him are precious and few I find a great deal of comfort as a 51 yr old woman having known him for the short time I had with him. This little boy now has cherished memories of his Daddy instead of growing up knowing he was abandoned by him. And what if that adult child learned he was denied the chance to meet and get to know his dad by a selfish decision his mother made. I am saddened by the heartless responses by some obviously very vindictive and disturbed people. Just because the father had no "compassion" towards his pregnant wife does not make it right for her to have none for a dying man. Two wrongs do not make a right. Try learning the word forgiveness it is much more productive than vindictiveness.

You know until you are a child stuck in the middle of a nasy custody dispute, or a child who has never gotten then chance to know thier father, how could you know or even fathom what was the right thing for this woman to do? Or put her down as a mother for that case? She didn't act like so many women (no not all) have and use her child as a paycheck, or a bargaining tool. I was the paycheck, I was the bargaining tool, and in the end I never got to know or love my father of have the relationship with him I wanted because my mother aced in the manner that some who have posted on here, promote. People make mistakes, my dad made his mistakes, but if my mother could've just let it go, and think about what was in MY best interest, maybe I could have said goodbye, maybe I could've had what this little boy had. But I didn't and I never will. You'll never know the hurt, sadness, bitterness I have because of that. His mother did the right thing whether you like it or not. And unless you are a child like millions of us who will never know thier fathers, you'll never know or understand.

It's viewpoints like romancegirl's, that are what's destroying the very fabric of society today.

Sometimes you have to put the child's needs above your own petty wants.

mommamarrs. Thank you for that post. I seriously choked while reading it. Some people are posting some angry stuff. But as in your case, keeping a child from his dad (or mom) doesn't help. It only gives a child a different pain.

He needed to meet his father so he could have a memory of his other parent. He may not have been the best father but he was his father. His life will be much netter having that memory. I wonder every day what would have been. I grew up without a mother, she died when I was 7 months old. Any memory of her would be welcomed.

romancegirl: someone has jacked you around big-time. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive people that hurt you. This article doesn't tell me what other things this man did. (good or bad) but that he divorced his wife after the child was born. He might have done some good in the time that he lived. But in the end dying does change a persons perspective. I'm sure the worse thing to happen to him was not a divine cancerous punishment, but the regret of missing the years he could have had with his child.

It's not about what the father "deserves," it is about what Judah deserves. He deserves to know that he had a father who loved him and wanted to have a relationship with him. He also deserved the memories they made, and the photographs that will act as a reminder that his father loved him.

The mother really has no control over the fact that Judah's father was selfish. But he tried to be there for Judah, and that is all that mattered in the end. She can't let her sour relationship with her ex affect Judah's relationship with his dad.

As a child from a bitter divorce, I know how painful it can be when the animosity between the parents is shared with the children. 25 years later, my mother still says nasty things about my father and makes any events where they will be forced to see each other (weddings, graduations, etc.) very uncomfortable for him. Having our father feel like an outsider at family also serves the purpose of making family events that should be joyous feel like a chore for her children.

This mother shows how unselfish love is not easy, but it benefits the child.

You're absolutely right Kmac. This woman did the right thing.

I wonder how much income she has generated by this?

T Bourlon

I didn't say the mom was manipulative.

I said she was manipulated.

Good for you! In the case of divorce or seperation, it is important for the parents to seperate their feelings towards each other from their relationships with their children. As a child of a bitter divorce, I wish my mother had acted more like you did.

yes, we need more people like this woman in the world. It would be a much better place.

Definition of Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Your actions negate your statement that you would forgive your ex.

GMK, without the "ex" you wouldn't have the wonderful child you have. Sometimes it's best to let by gones be by gones!

I would have forgiven my ex for leaving me while I was pregnant and wanting "nothing" to do with his child, but, to let him have a relationship now that he was dying would not be. The ex stated early on, he wanted "nothing" to do with his child. Now that he was dying should not change that!

At no point does the article mention if the dad upheld his financial responsibilty. It is indeed interesting that the wisdom of the thread is that it was totally her choice if the father was to be involved in his sons life. Granted he separated himself, but the child was taken two thousand miles away. At what point does he cease to be the childs father or is that up to the mother as well. As long as the parent is not a danger or sustantiated bad influence it would seem that contact could not be denied.

gmk-I toally agree with you. Just because you forgive, does not mean you forget. This ex husband, and man who abandons his family, had regrets...boohoo. He should have thought of that before he did what he did. I would protect my child fiercely and tell this man that he made it clear before he got sick he was only a sperm donor and to subject my child to a dieing man was unfair.

the article states the he did visit his son untill mom moved 2,000 miles away. why does eveybody on here keep quoting something that was never written? DAD got a divorce. thats it.

A man doesn't have to be 2,000 miles away to feel 2,000 miles away. He is stating, pretty loudly, that he wants nothing to do with his family if he divorces his wife while she's still pregnant. The statement that 'Dad got a divorce. That's it' is pretty sad. Divorce is terrible and wreaks havoc on emotions, especially that of a pregnant woman.

I get so upset reading comments like yours. You say women get too emotional, blah blah blah. The fact that you would deny a child the love of a father who wants to be back in their life is an emotional response and frankly it doesn't make sense for me. I think that your the only happy one. You're hurting your ex and your child.If there is nothing seriously wrong with a child's father and they want to get to know their kid there is no rational reason why they shouldn't be allowed. It's not only the mother's child.

My brother and his wife separated for several months soon after my 2 year old niece was born. They did pretty good with dividing time spent with the kids even though she moved 2 hours away which I don't think was a good idea since it made the kids have to travel a lot. Anyway she sometimes uses the kids as leverage. As in you hurt me, you don't deserve to see the kids. Recently a family member couldn't come to her son's birthday party but wanted him to come over another day. Because of that she didn't let him go over and bad-talked the woman. All she did was deprive her son of someone who couldn't spend time with him on his special day but wanted to make up for it by spending time with him another day.

I would certainly have a lot of explaining to do when my child got older, but I would tell him the "whole truth!"

gmk44 don't fool yourself. Your child will ask "what does this have to do with my dad and me?" Kid's aren't stupid. You see your ex one way, your child just knows that he didn't have a dad around. No amount of talking will change that. My wife and I learned this lesson the hard way. My stepchildren's dad, was the scum of the earth in many ways. But these girls just wanted the right to either accept or reject him on their own terms, not ours. We tried to explain, but the girls just believed that we lied and manipulated them. I know it's hard to watch your child love someone that doesn't desrve it. But eventually your children grow up and find out the real truth. Children will see who has real chracter and who doesn't. If you don't give a child that chance, you're only poisoning your own relational watertable with him.

Telling your child the whole truth would go like this:

"Your father divorced me, and I moved away. When you were two, he was diagnosed with cancer. He called me and told me that he loved you, and he wanted to have a relationship with you, and he wanted to visit and see you as often as he could. I said no because I was angry about what he did, and I thought you would be better off if you never met him. So I told him that he could not see you."

How does that not sound like a vindictive person? Any child who heard this story would be upset by it, and rightfully so.

I'm confused. Was she supposed to stick around in a state with no support system?? For?? I don't remember her saying that he was actually helping her. I do remember her saying that he visited. Maybe I missed something. Where was her support system? Yeah she moved 2,000 miles away. And? He had a job he could have visted anytime he wanted.

Amen ! Amen !! Amen !!! I completely agree with you.

Very sad that you would only think of what "you" would want and not what would be best for your child.

Your a strong person, and obviously understand that we cannot control decisions made by other people. You have a great outlook on a difficult time in your life and still you do not choose to hate or to be bitter about his decision to do what he did. Your an inspiration as was this mother in the story.

If you cut your father out of your life, why would you even want to go to the service? Why would you expect to be told about the service, burial, etc.? And why would you even expect anything in the will? And how can you think that what his wife said to you was wrong? Did you honestly expect to cut him out of your life and for everything on his end to remain the same?

Can't have your cake and eat it, too.

Whoever raised you, raised you right. It's so important to see the person/parent for who they are, know the faults, know it's not you and carry on with a happy life. I can completely relate to your story, the only difference is that the person lacking in my life was my mom. I'm still "lucky" enough to have her around but I know what she's only capable of and since she's 80 yrs. old, I take the good with the bad and continue with the many other good things in my life. Take care!

No, gmk, he was a stupid man who probably felt he couldn't handle it. Wouldn't be the first time. She did the right thing!

Just be glad you do not have to make this choice!

gmk44..... It's not about the father. If the boy is denied the chance to meet his real father, he will surely be bitter for it in the future.

William, yes, he may well have been bitter in the future for not meeting his so called father, there is also the chance that he will be bitter in the future for not knowing the "truth." I'm sure at some point in his future, a family friend, relative, or even his own mother will tell him the truth, and he could be upset that the "truth" was not told. There are too many people who are sugar coating the circumstances. Relationships often collapse when someone has not been forthcoming, in this instance, the boy is growing up with his life thus far based on a lie. Dying or not, the "sperm donor" did not want to be a father. With as much help as the mother could get, and done in a compassionate manner, the boy at some point, "deserves" to know the truth.

Dying or not, the "sperm donor" did not want to be a father. With as much help as the mother could get, and done in a compassionate manner, the boy at some point, "deserves" to know the truth

"Truth has no value when it is served upon a cold plate of bitterness."

Quite often "the truth" hurts, that's real life. For those living a lie, I would say you're far worse off!

Quite often "the truth" hurts, that's real life. For those living a lie, I would say you're far worse off

And are "we" liars, because we choose not to hurt someone? There is need to tell the truth, But there is wisdom in knowing what "truth" to tell.

gmk, I'm not suger coating anything. I don't care who the father is or how rotten he may be. The child still should MEET him if possible. it's the childs right ! Tell the truth, no one is suggesting any different. And you need to lay off the sperm doner line you've worn it out already !

To Judah, he was a father.

EWS - I so AGREE with you. When my wifes Father died last March., it was open casket, he was 82. We have 6 Grandchildren from 3 years to 10 years old. Some adults didn't think the Children should do the viewing, I told them I thought they should, they did. When our 5 year old Granddaughter walked past she looked up at me and said "He's NOT in there, he's in Heaven with God." The wisdom of a child is priceless.

Children handle funerals better than adults. Many adults can't attend a funeral even for the most loved of family.

It is the actual loss where children have the most difficult feelings. Especially when it is a Parent or Sibling. That became painfully clear when my five year old nephew called me DAD a few weeks after his father's death. It was even more painful when I had to choose between explaining or ignoring the situation.