Live Poll
How many years have you been married?
160306
0-5
23%
160307
6-10
17%
160308
11-20
24%
160309
20+
36%
VoteTotal Votes: 29814
Live Poll
Sex
160310
Male
30%
160311
Female
70%
VoteTotal Votes: 28890
Live Poll
Do you have children?
Live Poll
What's your biggest priority?
160593
Your spouse/marriage
51%
160594
Your children
38%
160595
Yourself
7%
160596
Your career
3%
VoteTotal Votes: 28792
Live Poll
How strong is your marriage?
160529
Very strong
46%
160530
Pretty strong
32%
160531
It varies
17%
160532
Weak
5%
VoteTotal Votes: 28747
Live Poll
Have you ever gone to a marriage counselor?
Live Poll
If so, how long did you go to counseling?
160518
Once
3%
160519
Less than six months
13%
160520
Six months or longer
5%
160521
Not applicable
79%
VoteTotal Votes: 26847
Live Poll
Did counseling help your marriage?
160522
No, not at all
5%
160523
A little bit
10%
160524
Yes, a great deal
7%
160525
Not applicable
79%
VoteTotal Votes: 26544
Live Poll
Have you considered divorce?
160526
Yes, I seriously considered it
16%
160527
Yes, I've thought about it, but not too seriously
33%
160528
Never
52%
VoteTotal Votes: 28249
Live Poll
What causes the biggest conflict?
Live Poll
How often do you argue
160539
Daily
5%
160540
Weekly
25%
160541
Monthly
28%
160542
Almost never
41%
VoteTotal Votes: 28206
Live Poll
How would you characterize your fighting style?
160543
Fair
77%
160544
Unfair
23%
VoteTotal Votes: 27555
Live Poll
How do your arguments end?
Live Poll
Which statement is most accurate
160549
I never go to bed angry with my spouse
14%
160550
I rarely go to bed angry with my spouse
46%
160551
I sometimes go to bed angry with my spouse
33%
160552
I often go to bed angry with my spouse
7%
VoteTotal Votes: 27363
Live Poll
When I think of my spouse's biggest fault, I ...
Live Poll
What kinds of secrets do you keep from your spouse?
160558
They're related to money/purchases/debt
15%
160559
Relationships with people of the opposite sex
7%
160560
Things I am angry/disappointed/sad about
30%
160561
What I really think about him/her
7%
160562
I don't keep secrets from my spouse
41%
VoteTotal Votes: 26768
Live Poll
Beyond love, what's most important to you in your marriage?
160563
Respect
34%
160564
Humor
13%
160565
Passion
5%
160566
Communication
30%
160567
Same or similar values
17%
VoteTotal Votes: 26551
Live Poll
Of the following, what's least important?
160573
Respect
2%
160574
Humor
22%
160575
Passion
41%
160576
Communication
3%
160577
Same or similar values
33%
VoteTotal Votes: 25726
Live Poll
Estimate the total time each day that you speak directly with your spouse:
160578
Less than 5 minutes a day
2%
160579
Between 5 and 15 minutes
10%
160580
Between 15 and 30 minutes
22%
160581
More than 30 minutes a day
66%
VoteTotal Votes: 26208
Live Poll
How often do you and your spouse have date night?
Live Poll
How often do you find yourself irritated by your spouse?
160587
Never
1%
160588
Rarely
27%
160589
Sometimes
65%
160590
Always
7%
VoteTotal Votes: 26283
Live Poll
Would you want your children to have a marriage like yours?
TODAY wants to know all about your marriage – the good, the bad and the annoying. What are the key factors to keeping your marriage strong – and when it falters, who’s to blame? Please answer these questions. Be sure to hit the "vote" button before moving on to the next question.
In the comments below, tell us what you think the secret is to a strong and successful marriage.
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Before my husband proposed I told him "There will be a funeral before there will be a divorce. You figure it out." Must have worked going 17 years strong!
Same with me, I told him, just know "I'll be a widow before I'm a divorcee".
Well-I must say-I am on my second marriage. The first lasted about 2 years and the best thing he ever did for me is bring me to America and introduce me to my second husband. 20 years strong now--2 kids, daughter in law and lots and lots of LOVE.
I told my ex-wife the same thing before we got married. Things were great for a while, but then she got a case of "the grass is greener" syndrome. I tried to work on things for years, keeping my resolve, to absolutely nothing but heartache. When I finally decided to move on, NOW I get all sorts of messages about not wanting a divorce. Sorry that when I wasn't pathetic enough to allow you to have your funzies while I sit at home alone forever.
I don't agree with divorce, but I disagree more with being a martyr.
:) Yeah, me and the hubby agreed that it's truly til death do us part. Therefore, the reason for splitting better be a good enough reason to go to jail over. Over 10 years together and still going strong!
We also went to a conference when we first got married called Weekend to Remember through Family Life Ministries. It was definitely one resource that enabled us to build our marriage on a strong foundation. Just a thought for those who might be having issues... They're on the Web and have the conferences across the country. :)
I say a very similar thing ALL the time: "My vows said - 'Til death do us part - and, by God, if we're gonna part, somebody's gonna die!" I always say it in jest but I truly believe that throwing those vows out the window is not an option.
My husband and I said from the very beginning the word "divorce" isn't an option for us, and we've never looked back (Married 7 years). Our marriage hasn't always been "easy" or "perfect" (whose is??) but I'd never give up on him or us, and I KNOW he feels the same way. But I do joke to him and tell him that if he ever dies, I'll never get married again! He'll always be my ONE & ONLY husband! ;)
Married 39 years; were high school sweethearts. Still love him as much as ever. Been through ups and downs but have survived. Would be forever lost without him. Best friends. 5 grandchildren. Til death do us part as the vows said.....
My wife and I were married fro 31 years until her passing in 2006. On her stone, I didn't like any of the "canned inscriptions" that were available, so I used the last two lines of the chorus from a song that I used to play for her when we were dating. The song is called "A Daisy a Day" and the epitaph reads:
We did pretty well, all things considered.
My Condolences Chris
Daisy A Day - fantastic love song by Jud Strunk.
He remembers the first time he met er
He remembers the first thing she said
He remembers the first time he held her
And the night that she came to his bed
He remembers her sweet way of sayin
Honey has somethin gone wrong
He remembers the fun and the teasin
And the reason he wrote er this song
Ill give you a daisy a day, dear
Ill give you a daisy a day
Ill love you until the rivers run still
And the four winds we know blow away
They would walk down the street in the evenin
And for years I would see them go by
And their love that was more than the clothes that they wore
Could be seen in the gleam of their eyes
As a kid they would take me for candy
And I loved to go taggin along
Wed hold hands while we walked to the corner
And the old man would sing er his song
Ill give you a daisy a day, dear
Ill give you a daisy a day
Ill love you until the rivers run still
And the four winds we know blow away
Now he walks down the street in the evenin
And he stops by the old candy store
And I somehow believe hes believin
Hes holdin er hand like before
For he feels all her love walkin with him
And he smiles at the things she might say
Then the old man walks up to the hilltop
And gives her a daisy a day
Ill give you a daisy a day, dear
Ill give you a daisy a day
Ill love you until the rivers run still
And the four winds we know blow away
Another good, underrated song is "Don't Ever Say Goodbye" by Rick Derringer's on his "Guitars and Women" album:
Here I go again
Singing the same old song
Some folks think it's all been said before.
But all I can do
Is try the best I can
And hope that you'll listen
Just once more
Don't ever say goodbye
I'll love you past the day I die
Don't ever go away
I need you more and more each day
I need you around
Like Leda needs her Swan
Cause I am only half,
When you're not here, honey
Just a moment for this
In a sad, sad song
I'm trying to tell you
Won't you always be here?
That's why I sing it out!
Don't ever say goodbye
I'll love you past the day I die
Don't ever go away
I need you more and more each day
SOLO
Don't ever say goodbye
I'll love you past the day I die
Don't ever go away
I need you more and more each day
Don't ever let me down
Call me I'll always be around
Don't ever say goodbye
I'll love you past the day I die
Fading out…
Don't ever say goodbye
I'll love you past the day I die
Don't ever go away
I need you more and more each day
Now that's just not right. I'm at work and I don't need to be wiping away tears in front of my associates..
No marriage is perfect. But I can laugh about my marriage more than shed tears. It will be 18 years come December 2011. Through sickness and health (he's been sick more than healthy) the last 7 yrs.
Mine pretty much is. We've been together for 12 years, but married only 3 years before Prop. 8 passed. My relationship has lasted longer and is better than most of the straight friends I know. :)
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for almost 10, and I can't picture my life without him. I think the reason it works is because we are also each other's best friend. If we had never gotten together romantically, we would still be great friends. Love doesn't work without friendship : )
I agree! We've been married 6 years, together 11 years, and while I have my best girlfriend, my husband is who I will tell everything to. Most days I can't wait to get home and share with each other how the day went. He is truly my best friend and it makes everything so much easier.
My husband and I will be married 20 years in June 2012. This is my third marriage his second. It has been well worth it. Our past relationships were bad and we talked about the things that we did not want in ours. We do so much together. We work in the yard , together, we grocery shop together. At the end of the day when we go to bed, tv is off , lights out and we talk until we fall asleep or something else happens.
I believe what makes a strong and successful marriage is having God at the center of your lives. Also, remember that love is not a feeling it is an action. We've been married for 36 years and there is no doubt in my mind that all the credit goes to the Lord God.
I believe the "love" feeling leads to the "love" action. Without one the other wont come.
Love is a decision, not a feeling. If it were only a feeling, how could anyone get through the bad times?
What a crock. A marriage is what YOU make of it. God (whose existence I seriously doubt) has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Exactly how my husband and I believe-notice I did not say 'feel' as emotions are unpredictable and too many people live on emotions which is why many marriages do not last.
Vern - I've not been married as long as TC (Just 13 years) but I too find strength in my marriage because my wife and I both have faith that God helps us through the tough times. Just because you disagree does not make it a "crock". Faith in God, not religion, is a life changing thing. It can also be the bedrock for a strong marriage (same values).
Also - we were both virgins (gasp) when we married, which is "old fashioned", and apparently "not the way to do things" anymore. I laugh when people say "how do you know your compatible?". It was a wonderful, guilt-free, no comparison to "so and so" wedding night as we learned, and laughed, together. Sad that many will never know a wedding night like that anymore...
I've been married 4 times . . . married and divorced 3 times by the time I was 30. Figuring I stunk at marriage (DUH!), I quit dating, and focused on buying a home, my career/job, etc. And when I wasn't looking . . . Mr. Right walked into my life at the ripe ol' age of 37, with two children he had custody of. I couldn't believe how insinc (sp?) we were. We were like a button and a button hole . . . we just fit. In 20 years of marriage, our biggest obstacle has been finances . . . we both stink at saving, although if I want something bad enough . . . I WILL save to get it. We each have our personality quirks . . . but all in all, we're still in love and I don't want to imagine my life without him.
My belief is that if you are with someone 20+ years you go thru cycles of 1) in love with each other 2) dislike each other 3) he loves her 4) she loves him. The great times are when you love each other but the fact is that you stay together because of 1) children 2)money and 3) disinterest in going anywhere else. After five marriages, I can attest to the fact that the grass is NOT greener anywhere else, just different stuff to deal with - and lots of times it's worse than where you came from. Alone now and like the peace. I'm sure they're as glad to be without me as I am to be without them.
Now THIS sounds like reality. People used to tell me "the fairy tale doesn't exist." Which I previously thought was pessimistic. But now that I'm a little older, it's okay that marriage isn't a fairy tale- it sounds like it's what you make of it. If you have unrealistic magical expectations, you'll be disappointed. I hope to be married one day, and I think your statement that the grass is not greener is sensible. Many people believe that something better is just around the corner. Really? How about if we just appreciate what's in front of us right now!
My husband was married twice before me. I found out recently that he was having an affair and he accidentally left his emails up before he went to work and needless to say I was shocked. I honestly did not think he would do anything like that. Apparently he gets bored easily and has a need to recycle women like pop bottles. I have been a very good wife and mother and I am still so ticked off. I want to leave but of course, I stay for the children. Yes, I am stupid but I will live a lie for a little longer until I get the courage to leave him.
I am more pissed off because I helped him through his second divorce, treated his two children as if they were my own and helped raise them and this is my thanks...I just don't think men can be faithful, I really don't.
"a woman wants one man to fulfill her every need, a man wants every woman to fulfill his one need"
Past actions predict future actions. Never so true as for marriage. There's probably a very nice woman at the other end of this helping him out of your marriage, so take care of yourself.
you didn't ask for advice but I'm going to throw some out there. I am married and haven't been married for very long so I know that I give this out with little experience. But I do come from a family whose parents stayed together "because of the kids" and it was the worst thing they ever did. They were miserable which made my brother and I miserable. It wasn't fair to anyone. You will hold resentment towards him and your children will see it. I did. Just a little advice from a kid who was on the other end of the situation. Do whatcya gotta do girl and get the hell outta there! :)
I appreciate the advice, I really do. I am sure that i am not a very good actress and the kids can sense something is up since there isn't any outwards signs of affection at all. We are civil, do things together like dinner out but other than that it is more like a forced friendship at this point. He is trying to be kind and shows remorse but I know that if I didn't find the emails I never ever would have known and he would be getting the best of two worlds.
How can you live with someone for so long and not know who they really are? I guess he is the actor in the family. Thank you for the advice, I will try to gain some strength to get out of this without making our kids hate us.
You only know what they want you to know. Take finding the e-mails as a sign for change. One door closes another one opens.
you say your husband was married twice before you so you actually knew he was not a solid marriage bet.
Having been through the same thing....I do speak from experience. Ultimately, all the cliches do come true. Time heals all wounds, softens the blows and shutters the pain of lost love. I had to tuck all the memories away and forgive him in order to move on. Not that I ever lost the ability to reach in and touch on the pain and utter devastation it wreaked on my and my children's life. But eventually, over time, I learned to open my eyes and live life again with an open heart. You can do it, it is hard, but you will survive and maybe even someday meet your soul mate, like I did.
Your not stupid, and I would bet your not even staying with him for the kids. My guess is that your like most (of either sex) your staying because you can't fathom how to go your own way. If thats the case maybe you need a shot of confidence as anyone can do it! Who do you know that can help you find your way out? Think it over, find your support person or team and move on. No one deserves to be cheated on. By the way... I'm a male and I've never cheated on anyone not even girl friends in HS. I'm 50+ now but I know for a fact their are many men that don't cheat. I also have learned that the virtue of a persons gender isn't a guarentee that a person will or won't cheat. Thats important because without that understanding it could be argued that all relationships are bad... that clearly isn't the case. Good luck!
Hey, well maybe you did hit the nail on the head. It isn't easy to start all over and I guess the thought of it is overwhelming. My husbands second wife cheated on him so I thought for sure, since he knows how it feels, that he would never do that to me. But....I am his 3rd marriage after all, he is my first.
I guess you are one of the good guys left, I know there are a few, but not many.Thanks for the kind words.
@sourdoughnative, How do you get over the anger? I will be fine one week and then something will make me think of it and I will feel disgusted to even look at him the next!! I am having a very difficult time because now when I look back, i should have seen the signs. He was always putting me down and would start fights over nothing. I would go to bed crying my eyes out and he didn't care at all. I should have known.
Unfortunately the courts are filled with people who thought they knew their spouses so well that they'd never do what they did.... and they'll continue to be... sadly. Your situation is far from unique and a lot of people with "solid" marriages reading these notes also have spouses leading secret lives that they don't know about.
I believe that most people give up too easily on marriage these days. If your going to go through the trouble of signing a legal contract then you should work at keeping it together. I know there are some reasons that I would definitely suggest getting divorced but in most cases its people being bored with the significant other. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and together for 14. It hasn't always been peachy but we have worked through our ups and downs and in that time have become more than just best friends. I love him bunches!!
Mans idea of a "legal contract." Getting permission from the state or gov. to do what comes from the heart, that the Good Lord gave us. That's in my opinion where alot of them go wrong.
I think the biggest thing for me is that after 27 years, I don't get emotional about the little things. I've learned to let things go that used to make me upset early on in our marriage. It makes for a better relationship because I can talk to him instead of yell at him.
Define Love?
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Cor 13:4-8
Oh blah blah blah...
It would be nice if you could put it in your own words... give it a try
Love is when you care enough about the well-being (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically) of the other person that you put their needs above your own AND it's reciprocated to the same extent by that other person towards you. At least, that's how I see it. :)
40 years Sept 11. Through ups and downs, thick and thin, better and worse we've never waivered in our love for each other. Two kids and their spouses, two grandsons. Secret - keep grounded in faith and each other, spend quality time together as much as possible even when kids were little. Helps a lot when you get to marry about the best man on the planet. Yes, after 40 years I still say that.
We both say to eachother "Til the DEATH do us part", and we've been saying that to eachother for almost 21 years of marriage. LOL!
Been married almost 14 years, together 16. Gotta tell ya, it wasn't always peaches-n-cream. First few years we faught a lot. Probably mostly because we didn't know how to choose our battles. Like (for example) leaving toothpaste in the bathroom sink. Sure it's annoying, but not some thing to drag in the word "divorce". We did almost divorce once, but when we weighed the bads and the goods, the bads won...and we had a good laugh about it. We have 4 kids now and I love him more today than I did the day we decided to get serious and get married. Being married doesn't mean always being right. Both people have to be willing to bend. We don't fight. The closest we've come to fighting in at least 6 years was recently. He has under gone 3 back surgeries in the last year, and sorry, but that wears on everyone. We both lost our cool a bit, but we bot realized that the situation we are in is no reason to point fingers and place blame. It's a time to talk and be closer. He, to this day, still does things that annoy me to no end (pet peeves if you will), but in the end he is a good man, makes me laugh, and tells me he loves me all the time. That's worth hanging in for the long haul. Not that I'm looking forward to getting gray hair, but I do look forward to being that older couple on the front porch, in our rocking chairs. I'm grateful every day I found him!
ditto our story-except for the back surgeries. We CHOOSE to live and love together until death do us part.
My husband and I are best friends. We were together 4 1/2 years before we got married so we felt that we really knew each other. We also agreed before we got married that no matter what divorce was NOT an option.
We have been happily married for more than 16 years!
We have been married 15 years this October. This is my third marriage and his first. We started as good friends and just expanded on that. There are definitely bad days/issues but overall it is just easier to let it to or adapt than to drop everything and fight about it.
The secret is to endure, and separate vacations!
You have to promise each other to work together. It doesn't always work though, and that's when you have have to just get through it, knowing that eventually you will get to the other side. And once a year, each of us takes a week or two to go do something that the other isn't at all interested in. For me, it reaffirms myself as an individual. Probably wouldn't work for everyone, but I treasure it.
Married for 22 years, together for 24. Works for us, and I couldn't imagine being anyplace else now.
hmmmm... "passion" rated so low. Wife and I were together 37 years before she died. Passion surely faded over the decades, but never respect, communication, love, commitment and fidelity.
Nearly six years into a new relationship, physical and emotional passions fuel our communication, commitment, and intimacy. And reflect our love and playfulness, and frequent "naughtiness." Perhaps because we each lost first spouse to death? Perhaps because the daily grind of raising kids, developing career, and learning how to be adults are mostly behind us? Perhaps two sixty-somethings can finally let loose with emotion, energy, creative intimacies, and red-hot passion unlike either of us ever experienced because we went so long without it? Yes, I believe so.