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from:msnbc.comLove dilemmas: I hate my fiance’s teeth!
Seeded on Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:11 PM EST (msnbc.com)
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I wholeheartedly understand where you're coming from. After years of pushing mine, he finally has an appointment on Saturday. I can see it is easy for those who are not in the situation to downplay it and make you feel bad for feeling this way. But I disagree. Oral health and appearance is very important and those who have very crooked, damaged and missing teeth are often looked upon as lower class in the U.S. so by fixing his smile, he would also probably be fixing the mosconceptions many may have about him. I will also admit that I have not invited my man to work events for that very reason. It may sound harsh, but in this competitive work environment, I feel the need to keep my image at a certain level and would prefer it is not damaged.
And has harsh as it may sound to say that, I would hate for him not to feel comfortable enough with me to tell me if I had an imperfection that was keeping him from wanting me to meet someone or had something wrong that made him uncomfortable. What is all of a sudden, I had a type of facial growth that was easy to get rid of. Would you prefer that he just leave me at home all the time because of it or would you prefer that he suggest I see a doctor to get the growth removed? I would choose the latter.
The one part I do agree with in the responses is that you must approach the subject with sensitivity and try to not hurt his feelings. And I think offering to go with him for a consultation is a good idea. Maybe the dentist will even have imaging software that can show him how he would look with a new smile and he will be happy to make the improvements. Good luck!
Kristen, as much as you're trying to discount your comments in the the "no offense, but..." manner, your post makes you seem both vapid and shallow. (Note that I wrote "seem" vapid, not that you "are" vapid.) To not invite your partner to work events because you're embarrassed by his lack of a picture-perfect smile appalls me. If you needed the male counterpart to a "trophy wife," you should never have entered into a relationship with someone who could potentially "damage your image" at your workplace and at social gatherings with his lack of dental perfection.
While I agree with most of the advice, someone needs to ask this women is she is, indeed with this man at all. The wedding photos will only make her more unhappy if she views them after the divorce. C'mon. Of course, I would think that her fiance would have noticed, by now, that she has both unrealistic expectations and a somewhat shallow assessment of what is important in a marriage. If she doesn't like his teeth now, will she be uncomfortable with him in public later if he loses his hair, or gains weight, or just ages? Marriage is a long road. You will both go down hill physically. If you don't love the person as is, now, I would say skip the perfect smile and really, really, skip the whole wedding and marriage! I am 65, and not bad-looking for my age. But rather than look in the mirror, I can look in my husband's eyes. That's a good marriage.
While I agree that a smile does very much affect others perception, it's ultimately HIS decision. I've worked as an orthodontic assistant for a couple of practices and orthodontic adjustment in adults is NOT the same as it is for children; it's more painful and usually takes longer. Don't forget the expense, if you're dictating that a partner incur medical expenses, YOU should pay for it out of YOUR pocket.
Now as far as your nice little comment about a 'facial growth', you really need to rethink that one. My moron husband kept whining about how a small mole I had on my jawline (nobody else ever mentioned it other than to refer to it as a beauty mark!!!) was 'distracting' to him... and kept nagging until I went to a plastic surgeon to have it removed. I now have a REALLY NOTICEABLE SCAR and I freaking resent the hell out of him for making me do it. Oh, and he still has a very double chin which I find totally unattractive.
Grow up shallow people!!! If you want a HAPPY partner, you build them up, not constantly critique what YOU perceive as their flaws. Look closer in the mirror and take inventory of what someone else might think is unattractive about YOU. There are a LOT of people out there that think they're oh so very perfect but others aren't seeing them in quite the same way. Lose the over inflated ego! You need to focus on improving yourself (start with the negativity towards others) and don't worry about improving others until that job's done.
I have a sales background and agree with you 100% and great advice from the panel as well. I'll add that you need to be extremely careful how you reapproach this and how you word it. Imagine if he said, "You smell down there"? You'd be mortified and how would that affect your love life? He loves you and now he knows you don't like his teeth. He'll smile less around you, is that what you want? My guess is if he fixes his teeth then there will be something else after that. Again, agree with advice from the panel. "You smell down there" Think about it.
Probably as a result of being married to a dentist for 20+ years, I really notice teeth. I understand why as a child sometimes they aren't fixed because of money but it is really important for health and appearance. I also don't understand why actors spend thousands on their upper teeth and then leave a mangled mess on the bottom and/or the top and bottom are different colors. They certainly have the financial means to do it correctly.
I hope she doesn't mind when he insists that she get a nose, butt or boob job.
Regardless of "the issue" this lady is NOT handling it properly AT ALL... like duh?
So, if the guy is her "fiance" that suggests they have BEEN TOGETHER for quite some time, gotten to know each other very, very well and, of course, in discussing a permanent relationship like marriage, MUST HAVE had many "intimate discussions" on a WIDE range of topics??? Right?
"IF" the "future husband's teeth" were such a MONUMENTAL ISSUE... they should have resolved it before now?
"Her priority" is "having a nice smile for wedding photos?"
WOW?
Sure, a great smile IS important, especially for wedding pics, but SHE needs to read up on "relationship building skills FIRST",
If HER priorities are what they seem, her marriage is DOOMED before it starts.
I would normally be the first to say that physical attraction to one's partner is as important as being attracted for all the other right reasons that we end up deciding to settle down with someone, but this is a bit much.
As Speedy mentioned, she says that her priority is him having a nice smile for the wedding photos. This tells me that she is more concerned with the wedding photos than she is his oral health, and I find that completely shallow. If his teeth really bothered her, this would have been resolved well before there were plans for a wedding. The fact is, the wedding day is the LEAST important day in anyone's marriage. It's what follows from that day forward that matters, and with priorities like this, I have to wonder if they'll even have the wedding video back before this guy realizes that he's made a tremendous mistake.
We all have certain quirks, things that make us melt, little things that we find more important than others when it comes to physical attraction. I hate people that act as though the physical doesn't matter at all, because it does. You and your partner are meant to objectify the snot out of one another. It's just as important as appreciating one another intellectually and otherwise getting along. If teeth bother this woman so much, I can see this really becoming a problem in the future, when the honeymoon is over and she finds that she just isn't attracted to him on that primal level because she's too hung up on his teeth. That in and of itself is not shallow so much as it is, you like what you like, but if she can't accept him as he is, she never will, and getting married shouldn't even be on the table.
Oral health is important, and if it is really a matter of his teeth being so bad that they aren't getting the proper care because they are that crooked, he should get them fixed, but it's his decision in the end and she needs to accept it if he does nothing about it, or find someone with nice teeth.
I agree, it's his decision in the end, and if he doesn't accept her offer to have his teeth fixed, she needs to consider whether something so insignificant is worth breaking an engagement over.
I don't have perfect teeth and if money were no object, I would get some cosmetic work done. But I have had other issues that were much more important to fix that had nothing to do with cosmetics. Now I would rather have my health than perfect looking teeth anyday. Perfect looking teeth doesn't equal healthy gums and teeth.
Also, I don't like the idea of a doctor potentially doing harm to my teeth in order to create the perfect look. The goal of dental treatment should be health, not a movie star smile.
Males do seem to have a problem "demanding" something be done when a woman gained 5-10 pounds. He would demand she "fix it" or do like a lot of men do -- just leave when her body is no longer perfect and to his liking. I do not blame her one bit. There is nothing worse than poor grooming habits and a jacked-up mouth. If someone approached me with a jacked-up mouth, I would not give them the time of day.
Exactly, I would never associate with anyone who doesn't fit my personal template of perfection. I don't have to live by it, but everyone else does.
So, your major concern is that his teeth look nice for the wedding photos. I happen to be a photographer. A darned good one, at that. Hire me to do your wedding photos and I'll make sure his teeth look great. Photo editing can do wonders, these days. That would be a lot less expensive (and less painful) than to try to correct the issue, before the big day, wouldn't you agree? Act now, I'll do the necessary corrections, free of the usual "heavy editing" expenses I usually charge. Of course, there is the fact that MY teeth aren't perfect, either. Does that matter for a wedding photographer? Good luck and I hope you find true, deep happiness, rather than just superficial, surface-deep "happiness".
My sis-in-law had her wedding photos re-touched to change her naturally brown eyes to a bright blue. I thought it strange at the time and wondered if she had a complex or was envious of blue-eyed women. At least she didn't bleach her dark brown hair blonde. She had the photo enlarged for a large framed wall portrait, so the eye color difference is obvious and larger than life.
Years later, those doctored pics of hers still look weird and unnatural as she continues to have dark brown eyes (and never wore blue contacts).
So if you're planning on photo-editing the groom's teeth to look great for pics, I hope he's also planning to have the real work done in the near future. Otherwise, the pics will look unnatural and "wanna-be."
One point not mentioned here so far: More attractive people (including those with white straight teeth) are often paid more than less attractive colleagues and may be given better, more public positions within the company. Same thing with overweight vs. in-shape people, and taller vs. shorter. So there may be more consequences to the groom's crooked teeth than just his wedding pics or oral health.
It probably looks fake and unnatural, because you are used to the real color of her eyes. Of course, most "photographers" go overboard when making changes, like that, which gives the photo a horrible, unnatural look about them. If my retouches do not look realistic, they never see the light of day. I have done teeth. It is a challenge, no doubt, about it! But, it can be done, if some time is taken.
I used to be her fiance, meaning, I had awful teeth. They were crooked (thanks, dad!), they grew in backwards, and people would turn away from me the moment I would smile. I was also missing teeth (premolars) because my teeth failed to come in at a normal rate once they fell and my canines were elongated to the point I looked like I had fangs. I was called a vampire for years as a result of the fangs. It's sad but true, a smile can make or break you. Most people think that a smile is one of the most important features on your face, and I know a lot of hiring managers that would turn away someone who applied as a salesperson simply because they did not have a beautiful, warm smile.
The embarrassment of my teeth from classmates as well as the "oh, you have such a beautiful face, but your smile..." comments were all I needed in order to agree to my parents' idea to get braces. I wore those things for 3 years, got oral surgeries, and now, I have a niceR smile, I say nicer because despite my teeth, I always had a nice, honest smile. However, even with my crooked teeth, I still got guys to fall for me, because of my personality. If her guy is such a great guy, an ultimatum such as "fix your teeth, or else" can become a deal-breaker. Do you really want to lose a good guy over something like that?
I think she should suggest that he get his teeth checked, by encouraging good dental hygiene and mentioning that crooked teeth may be impeding him from cleaning his teeth properly, which can affect his health negatively. She could also try to get him to open up about whether it affects his self-esteem. If it does, she can use that as an argument in her favor. She should offer to accompany him to a dentist if he decides to look into it, so he doesn't feel alone. If money is an obstacle, since this is such a big deal to her, maybe she should offer to help with the costs, but like JustMe-4172385 said above, Photoshop can do wonders for your wedding photos. I would go about this in a friendly "let me make a suggestion" kind of way, rather than being pushy, threatening, or demanding.
I hope she is nice about approaching him on this, not pushy or demanding, as she needs to put herself in his shoes. How would she feel if he said he wouldn't feel like he can have the perfect wedding until she got a boob job? Remember, you fell in love with him for who he is, and something like crooked teeth should not be a reason to feel ashamed of him. Besides, if you look at peoples' teeth closely, you will notice a large portion of the population has crooked and/or yellow teeth.
I used to be a less extreme version of this woman. After my braces came off when I was in my late teens, I noticed everyone's teeth, and tried to date guys that had nice teeth as well. But ultimately, I outgrew that (being a Miami native, I'll just call it a come mierderia and assume you know what I mean), and the most significant relationships I've had since, have been with guys that have had crooked-cute teeth. No hygiene issues or anything, but they aren't perfectly straight, and I may be biased, but I think my husband has the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen.
Much kinder approach; compassion and understanding are much more likely to get a positive dialog going about the societal effects of being less than conventionally attractive.
Red flags everywhere! He should put on his jogging shoes and jog the heck out of there.
I hope she does ask him to straighten his teeth for those beautiful wedding photos, so he can see what a shallow woman he is engaged to. Like Carriebell says, get those shoes on and hit the road.
If she does say something that hurtful and shallow let's hope he sees the light.This guy deserves soooo much better.
So let me get this straight: she is more worried about his teeth than anything else right? Let's see him tell her he wants to see her get some work done and see how that situation works out. This woman is the definition of shallow.
I was in love once. I knew it because I learned to accept him as is, and we were both wildly different humans. I question if the young woman genuinely loves her fiance, but good luck to them.
Conversely, smiley people look stupid. The classical Greeks evolved in their art when they were able to convey thoughtfulness in their marble sculptures from their previous archaic smiles.
I know of so many young adults who really cannot afford dental insurance or to pay out of pocket for dental care. Their teeth are rotting out of thier mouths and the only thing they can do is go to ER's for pain management and antibiotics. As the middle class disappears the bulk of our populace will continue to look more and more like we are from a destitute nation.
Paramed,I know what you mean. I remember those days. My son is going through them right now. It kills your self confidence too. It's really a shame. And there's usually not a whole lot you can do about it.
What a shallow woman. She obviously doesn't understand her up and coming wedding vows. For better or for worse...worse being in her opinion his smile. She's asking him to suffer under the knife to fix his teeth just for that magical day? Wow.
Sir, if you are reading this RUN FAST!!! Because heaven forbid something happen, a horrible accident and he became disfigured in someway. She would probably derail any confidence he may have had remaining.
Also wonder if she's one of the ladies from the wedding bee site. No offense to most of them but some are so superficial. It's just sad.
If his dental hygiene is good, and his breath smells fresh, you shouldn't have a problem. If his mouth smells icky and his teeth and gums are not healthy and clean, it's a deal-breaker. Next problem!
Wow, it must be nice to be absolutely perfect, at least in your mind. Did she ever ask him what HE thought about his teeth? Perhaps he is perfectly fine with his teeth. It's too bad he didn't respond to her, "I like you even though you are a shallow b*tch".
Lady, they were like that when you met him, so if it was such a priority, why did you start dating him? Perhaps he had some other endearing feature like his NET WORTH that blinded her to his teeth, at least until she could get him hooked.
Run, fella, the handwriting is already on the wall!
If I was her fiance I'd be happy to oblige her 'demand', provided she obliged mine and got her boobs done (or whatever other imperfection she had). Of course, what will probably happen is that he will give in and get his teeth done. Then in 5-10 years, this same writer will complain that her husband is giving her a hard time for letting herself go.
You have to be very careful when correcting crooked teeth as an adult. I had mine straightened when I was in my forties. I have experienced bone loss and gum recession as a result. I have never had gum disease, smoked, or any other problems that would account for the bone loss or recession. My dentist feels that the correction of adult teeth is what caused it. If your fiancé's crooked teeth are not affecting his oral health, digestion or his employment, I would question more why you,yourself, are embarrassed by his teeth. If he is a good man and loves you, that should be all you concern yourself with.
So you've been together long enough to get engaged and NOW you are discusted by his teeth...oh honey you need to get your priorities straight....
This is not a problem. If you have the MONEY there are thousand different procedures you can do for that perfect smile. IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
I to like my partner to have nice teeths but most important clean teeth. And yes, the smile is the first thing I look at when I meet someone.
So many issues here. If it was just one broken tooth or something, or missing teeth, I could understand it. But expecting someone to have perfect teeth? That seems to be a very recent phenomenon. Watch TV from the sixties and seventies and you'll notice actors who look like real people, with imperfect teeth. What is this obsession with perfect teeth? I don't get it. I married someone who was a great choice as a mate but we weren't even physically attracted to one another at first. His teeth aren't perfect, he's a very average looking man, but he's my best friend, he'll stand by me through anything, does me all kinds of favors, finds the things I've lost and fixes the things I break. As I get older and am not so attractive myself anymore -- I was a very attractive woman in my younger years -- he accepts my growing imperfections. The best things in life aren't those illusions and ideals, they're the surprises, like how much you can love someone who is far from "perfect."
I have a problem with the fact that he never smiles in photos. Those are going to be some real cheery wedding pics, with a sulking groom who refuses to crack a smile.
Maybe he isnt as happy as she thinks he is. He could be trying to find the perfect moment to dump her because he gotten sick of being nitpicked by her. It will be interesting when he wants her to fix her flat chest, big butt, the bump on her nose, cankles, and possiblly want her to add alittle height to her shallow frame.
If they do get married.... I give it 1-2 years before that marriage is belly up.
Many people I know who have less than totally straight, artificially white teeth are reluctant to smile showing their teeth for pictures, but will display more of a closed mouth smile. That does NOT mean they're sulking. The sulking probably only occurs after being INSULTED by people like you. How old are you anyway? Not sounding very mature at all.
Guys don't self-examine their appearance like women do. A girlfriend or wife has to be very delicate with this type of situation if she finally can't stand looking at "it" anymore. Then again, she looked at his imperfections the moment she met him and it was okay then. Us gals need to relax a little. Guys don't pick on us half as bad as we do on them.